Get it off your Chest
by An Actual Lion
Summary: Travelling across dimensions in search of powerful feathers to save a Princess, who happens to be the love of your life (even though she doesn't remember you) with two strange grown men and a magical rabbit is already hard enough without having to explain to your inter-dimensional family that you're a trans guy.
1. Don't Hide What Hurts Inside

"Syaoran! If you stay frowning like that, your face will be stuck that way forever!" The chipper voice broke Syaoran's trance as his eyes shot up from their trained focus on his boots to respond to Mokona's warning. She perched on his shoulder, her tiny face contorted into an expression of concern for the young boy. Tiny paws set themselves on each of his cheeks as she asked him, "What's wrong? You have your worry face on again. Is it about Sakura' feathers? We'll find them Syaoran, Mokona is working very hard!"

Syaoran's face melted into a soft smiled. "I know you are Mokona, thank you so much." The edges of his smile faltered and twitched as he tried to maintain his happy expression. "Actually… I uh… I wasn't thinking about the feathers…" His thumbs circled round one another anxiously as Syaoran's throat worked itself to form words despite the painful lump forming. "Um… Mokona, can I ask you something?" Syaoran's voice cracked, his eyebrows furrowing as he concentrated on keeping himself composed. The kind creature nodded gently as she moved from his shoulder to settle herself on his crossed legs. "Do I… Can you tell I'm a boy?"

Mokona's ears twitched and she tilted her head in confusion. "What do you mean Syaoran? You are a boy."

"No I know I just… If you saw me and you didn't um… and you didn't know I was, would you think I was a boy… or would you think I looked more like a girl?" The hard lump in Syaoran's throat betrayed him a tear that he had been fighting to keep back rolled down his dust covered cheek. Quickly, Syaoran brought a palm up to his face to wipe it away, but it was already apparent to Mokona that he was more than just worried this time.

"Syaoran…" She picked up his other hand, gently running her paw over some of his knuckles.

Sniffling, Syaoran swiped his sleeve over his eyes, wiping away the wetness growing on his cheeks, but not the clear redness in his eyes as he cleared his throat. "Never mind it Mokona, I'm being silly." He forced a smile, hoping it would keep her from worrying about him further though he knew she was smarter than that trick of his. Picking Mokona back up in the palm of his hand, as she still stared up at him with overwhelming concern, he announced in his still wavering voice, "Come on, let's go find Ashur-" When Syaoran turned around, he came face to face with Sakura.

The worried scowl on her face rivaled that of his own on the hardest of days as those oh so green eyes burrowed right into Syaoran's very soul it seemed. "P-Princess…" He stammered. "I-I thought you were asleep." This only made her frown more apparent. Panic soon set into Syaoran's gut as she quietly looked him up and down. Was she mad at him? In fear he turned his face away from her, unable to continue holding her gaze.

"You've been crying." Sakura stated softly, her hand reaching up to cup his cheek and turn his face back to her. "Syaoran-kun what's wrong?" Her other palm cupped his other cheek as well, and Syaoran felt unbearable heat flood his cheeks as he opened his mouth to speak despite the lack of words he found. Unintentionally, Syaoran found himself flinching under her touch. Sakura withdrew her hands, her face growing less concerned and more saddened. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked in a voice even softer than before.

Panicked, Syaoran stuttered out a reflexive, "N-No… I mean… I…" He stopped himself, nearly biting his tongue in the process as he mulled over how to respond. "It's nothing, I'm just being foolish…" He mumbled, averting his gaze once more. "Don't worry about it Princess." He said, unable to hide the clear distraught in his voice as he tried to walk past her.

A hand caught him by the arm, holding him back. "Syaoran-kun, if I hurt you somehow… please tell me." Her voice was less soft now, more demanding, in her own way. Syaoran's mind flashed back to other times she had spoken to him like this, and his chest felt like it was caving in as he remembered all those gentle scoldings he now missed so greatly.

"It's nothing, really-"

"I know you hide things that hurt on the outside from everyone, but hiding what hurts inside can be worse. That's something our high priest told me." Syaoran swallowed. He remembered that conversation with Yukito, he had been there with Sakura at the time. They were ten years old and had just gotten over their first argument. Slowly he turned around to face her, pain clear on his face as he took a deep breath.

The struggle was apparent in the way his voice cracked as he turned to Mokona, who was holding his thumb in between her paws. "Could you give us a minute please Mokona?" He asked. Mokona hesitated for a minute, but nodded silently as she hopped up onto his shoulder once again to give his cheek a quick nuzzle before giving the two of them their space.

The silence between the teenagers was thick and uncomfortable. It found itself under Syaoran's collar like hot air on a particularly humid day. Clasping a palm to the back of his neck, Syaoran wrought his brain for a right way to word his next sentence. "So… Do you remember um… back in the troop… I had to dress uh… like a girl?" His eyes couldn't look at Sakura, and instead retreated back to their usual spot staring down at whatever footwear he had chosen that day. "Then um… You told me that I looked just like… a real girl?" Syaoran shut his eyes tightly, running his hands through his hair and down his face.

"Oh no, Syaoran-kun I'm sorry. I didn't realize that was so hurtful…" Sakura stepped towards him, reaching out to him again.  
But Syaoran's mouth twitched a bit, his lips hardening into a line. "I… I need to explain why… it hurt…" His entire throat felt like it was convulsing as he tried to swallow the persistent tears that demanded freedom at the edge of his eyes. Memories of their childhood flooded his brain once again as he searched within himself for the strength to continue talking. Memories of when they were young, and Syaoran often found himself hiding behind Sakura as young children from the village, ignorant of the effect their words had, were told off by the young princess. Memories of confiding in her when he felt like only she sympathized with him after his father had passed onto the next life.

"I… I worry a lot that I look like a girl sometimes…" He choked out. "That people will see me as one. I don't want them to… I don't want to be seen as a girl, not ever." Memories of a young and fierce Sakura reassuring him that he was very much a boy, no matter what anyone else said to him. That she knew it, and he knew it, and that she would make sure everyone else knew it if it was the last thing she did. "Because… Because I…" Memories of hearing her say his name and his pronouns and feeling nothing but warm and fuzzy validation. "Princess… I'm trans…"


	2. Cross my Heart Hope to Die

The more times Sakura blinked the more frantic Syaoran became. He felt a cold sweat creep up his neck and he tried to swallow but found his throat much too dry. Why was she taking so long to respond, she was fine with it when they were growing up. She'd never made any inclination that she thought he was weird or wrong. Was it all an act, had she secretly thought he was a damn freak through their entire childhoods? Had she been ly-

His train of thought was cut off the second her slim arms wrapped around his neck in what he recognized as her self-proclaimed signature 'Sakura Hugs'. He hadn't received one in such a long time he'd forgotten just how warm they were. Though nothing could compare to the intense heat pooling in his face and the tips of his ears. "P-Puh-Princess?!" Was all he managed to choke out as he felt her tighten the embrace.

"Oh my Gods Syaoran-kun I'm so sorry!" Her muffled voice said from where her face was buried in his shoulder. "Oh Gods what I said… that was so stupid of me!" She pulled back, revealing her expression to be one of both regret and sudden understanding. This was the Sakura he knew. "I'm so sorry, I know I didn't know, but oh gods your feelings Syaoran-kun. That must have hurt you a lot." She pulled him into another hug, mumbling into his shoulder once again, "Thank you for telling me."

The edges of Syaoran's mouth turned upwards and he felt the comfort of a friendship that he had long since thought was lost to the price he paid for her life. Hesitantly, he let his arms fall around her as he returned the hug. He was relieved that she lingered with him, the silence no longer an uncomfortable one, now leaving Syaoran with an overwhelming sense of complete and utter relief.

"It really is okay Princess…" Syaoran said once the hug finally dissipated. "I know you didn't mean any harm by it, and there was no way you could have known." There was a small part of him that found joy in this, meaning that if Sakura couldn't tell from the beginning he was trans that meant that he passed at least a somewhat decent amount, a worry that always followed him. "But uh…" He shuffled his scuffed up boots, looking up from the ground to meet his favorite color in the form of her eyes, "I really do appreciate the apology. It um…" He once more found himself struggling to find words. Language man, you speak it dozens of them! "It made me feel a lot better."

Sakura let out a sigh of satisfaction and relief, resting her palms on his shoulders. "That's good, I'm happy you feel better now Syaoran-kun. I promise to never do that again." Removing one of her hands, she drew an 'x' motion over her heart with a finger. "Cross my heart, hope to die…" Syaoran felt his heart flutter as they recited the childhood poem.

"Stick a needle in my eye…" He finished the rhyme, pointing his finger at his eye as if it were said needle. Suddenly, a look of almost comical panic crossed his face. "Princess, no matter if you do it even on accident, please don't put needles into yourself!" He insisted.

"Oh no, there go my plans for tomorrow!" Sakura flailed her arms about in mock disappointment, giggling as she trailed off. Syaoran found himself joining her, unable to hold back the string of gentle laughter. "Seriously though, I feel bad that I hurt your feelings. You know if I do something like that again, you can tell me." Sakura set her hand on his forearm. "I'd rather know, so I can say I'm sorry and remember to not do it again."

Nodding at her words, Syaoran responded, "I'll work on being more vocal. Though that really was the only thing you've ever said that's bothered me like that Princess." Not a total lie, but he couldn't exactly recount any childhood scuffs or the pain he'd felt when he was reminded that she had no memory of those said scuffs. "But, thank you. It means a lot that you'd uh…" He trailed off.

Raising an eyebrow, Sakura clung to his words. "That I'd what?"

"That you'd care." He finished, feeling the apples of his cheeks redden as the words fell from his lips.

"Of course I care, Syaoran-kun. You're my friend!" Sakura uttered those words like they should have been obvious to Syaoran by now, but yet they still registered shock in him. He hadn't known that Sakura considered him her friend, a travelling companion sure, but her friend. He thought that their friendship had been lost to the price he paid before the journey, that they would never again be as close as they were. But now….

"Right… We're friends!" Syaoran exclaimed, with a smile so wide it would ache in the best way for the next week.


	3. Not Alone

"Keep your back straight, make sure your breathing is even or you're going to wear yourself out too soon kid!" The directions Kurogane gave him would have been a lot easier for Syaoran if he wasn't wearing, what he now realized, was a much too tight binder. Not to mention he had underestimated just how long Kurogane had planned to keep him outside training in the hot sun. But Syaoran reassured himself once again that it would be worth it. He would be stronger because of this. He would-oh gods he could hardly breathe.

Syaoran doubled over, clutching one arm around his chest as pain shot through his ribs. This was too tight, he'd had it on for way too long. Mistakes and bad decisions had been made on this day.

Shocked that Syaoran would collapse mid training, Kurogane ran to his side as he tried to make sense of it. Syaoran was normally a pretty steady kid, it took a lot to knock him down. "Yo, kid, what happened?" Kurogane received only short breaths as Syaoran's voice caught in his throat. Tentatively, he placed a large hand on the teenager's shoulder. Under the thin cloth of the shirt Syaoran was wearing, Kurogane could feel taut, constricting material. "What are you wearing kid, are you trying to kill yourself?"

The boy flinched at the question and harsh words. In between the wheezing and short breaths, Syaoran managed to groan out, "Bin…der… tight…."

Kurogane's eyes widened at the strained answer as he took a moment to process it. The kid wore a binder? Why would he be wearing a binder, unless…

"Well, alright kid, go take a moment to get that thing off you. Then I think we need to have a chat about your decisions…" The dark man helped Syaoran stand up as he dismissed him.

Syaoran hunched over, not knowing what to make of his older companion's words as he slunk off somewhere secluded to free himself of the contraption. His decisions, what did Kurogane mean?

…..

Now finally able to catch his breath, Syaoran slipped his shirt back over his head, wrapping himself in his cloak so that it was impossible to see anything… sticking out now that he had taken his binder off. Peeking out from behind a tree in the clearing that Kurogane had taken him to train, Syaoran saw him waiting in the grass, turned away and tapping his foot impatiently. His body language was the picture of disappointment and Syaoran's blood ran cold.

Gathering whatever courage Syaoran had in his gut mixed with the pool of dread that coated his stomach, he walked out to meet Kurogane, anticipating the talk he'd received from others before. Especially older men that had joined him on some of the dig sites he'd worked on. Bracing himself, Syaoran stood before the ninja, unable to meet his gaze as Kurogane opened his mouth.

"Don't you know how dangerous it is to keep those things on for so long?" That was not how these discussions usually started. They usually started with 'you know that just because you want to be a boy it doesn't make you one' or 'you're just confused', or Syaoran's least favorite 'what would your father think if he was still with us?' But this, this is definitely not something the boy had heard before. "You could end up breaking one of your ribs doing what your dumbass did today, kid." Kurogane scolded.

Unsure how to respond, Syaoran looked up at Kurogane with wide and confused eyes and uttered under his breath, "Sorry… I didn't think…"

"Yeah kid, you weren't thinking!" Kurogane rapped his knuckles against Syaoran's forehead in a mock smack. "You tend to forget to do that a lot, don't you." With a heavy sigh of exasperation, Kurogane sat himself down in the grass, crossing his legs and motioning for Syaoran to take a seat across from him. "Listen kid, I get that you wanna train. That's great, but training is pointless if you only end up hurting yourself, especially by doing something as reckless as the stunt you pulled today."

The genuine concern was raw in Kurogane's voice as he rambled on about the damage Syaoran could have needlessly inflicted upon himself if he had kept wearing the binder while he trained. "Didn't anyone ever teach you about this stuff when you started binding? How long you're supposed to keep 'em on before you gotta give yourself a rest? Please tell me you're at least not using tape or bandages?"

Guilt wracked Syaoran's face as he shook his head. "N-no… I used to when I was younger, but my Dad caught me and he got me a binder… I uh…I picked this one up a couple of worlds back. My old one was pretty ratty and loose, I guess I'm just not used to this new one being so tight." He admitted.

"Well… Just remember, eight hours at the most kid. Only five if we're training! Otherwise you're gonna do some serious damage." Kurogane's tone was reminiscent of his father's, before he had passed. Though he didn't necessarily enjoy being lectured, something about this felt painfully comforting and familiar. "Why are you smiling, I'm being serious." Kurogane barked, narrowing his eyes further at Syaoran, who found himself jolting at the sudden statement. Had he been smiling, he hadn't noticed he had been.

"No I just…" Syaoran began, his face beet red with embarrassment as his smile faltered and disappeared. "Sorry, I just… had a little bit of Déjà vu was all… I really am sorry Kurogane-san."

Kurogane's expression softened and he moved to sit beside the boy, placing a hand on top of his hair to ruffle it in his own form of affection.

The silence between them was comfortable, the aura of complete and utter relief hanging around Syaoran as he shuffled where he sat. "Um…" He began, feeling the creeping sensation of curiosity invade his mind. "Kurogane-san, it's none of my business but… How did you learn so much about binders, and binding?" He asked. Syaoran hadn't taken Kurogane for someone who would be as knowledgeable about something like this as he clearly was.

Kurogane gave Syaoran a crooked grin as he said with confidence in his voice, "Let's just say that I know what you're going through on a personal level kid." Bracing his hands on his legs, Kurogane grunted as he stood himself up, dusting the stray blades of grass off himself as he did so. "Come on kid, both of us need to eat, and the Mage and the Princess probably have something ready."

Syaoran stared, starry eyed, at his mentor as the realization washed over him. He wasn't alone in this, and Kurogane had been the last person he'd expected to truly understand him in the way that he clearly did.

"Well come on kid." Kurogane barked, prompting Syaoran to shoot up from his seat as he rushed over to join his mentor as they walked back to where they had set up camp, feeling a little bit more secure with someone like the burly man at his side.


End file.
